Written by Saurav Sarpal
“I’m fine.” Maybe one of the most common lies told. Every day, millions of people wake up in the morning, plaster a smile on their face and fight battles no one will ever see, not even their most cherished loved ones. As a man, it can seem more challenging at times. “Boys shouldn’t cry”, “man up”, “be a man”, we have all heard at least one of these before.
Additionally, being from a culture that really does not understand mental health, I was faced with an impossibly difficult enemy, before I even knew what it was.
Growing up playing ice hockey, the culture was not much different. You would go to practice, have a good time with the boys, and everything seemed chill on the surface. Coaches who yell just for the sake of yelling, toxic parents that pick you apart after every loss, crappy teammates, were all just “a part of the game.”
Hockey players are human and do hurt, and you really don’t know what is going on with your teammates at a deeper level. Talking about it may make you seem weak and even fragile. Now, I am not saying that every player struggles with their mental health, but as I bring up examples later, you will learn it is much more common than you think.
The Sad Truth
For some people, they do not reach out until it is too late. When I first learned the devastating story of Rick Rypien, I was in shock. Growing up admiring these players, I thought they were living the best life. Playing hockey for a living, making millions and being able to travel around the world.
However, the thing about mental illness is that it does not discriminate. Young, old, rich, poor, it does not matter.
Rick Rypien was in the midst of his career, having signed a one year contract with the Winnipeg Jets. On August 15th, 2011 he was found dead by a family member, following a ten year bout with clinical depression. As strong as an enforcer he was, this was the battle he just could not win. He had even reached out to the Vancouver Canucks organisation two years prior and took a leave of absence, and Kevin Bieksa had even welcomed him into his household to give him the support he needed.
That off-season was eye-opening for the league, as Wade Belak, a former NHL enforcer was found dead hanging in a Toronto hotel on August 31, 2011.
Much more recently, Claude Lemieux, a four-time Stanley Cup winner, had passed away as a result of suicide. This incident had especially rocked the hockey world. Just days before, he had carried the torch on to the ice at the Bell Centre before the Game 3 meeting of the Montreal Canadiens and Carolina Hurricanes. He had looked so proud and excited to be there, which just shows these battles are invisible to the naked eye. You really can’t know for certain what someone is going through.
This next story hits too close to home for me. I was scrolling through Instagram, as one does, and one post caught my eye.
A 21 year old former goaltender at the University Of Maryland, Baltimore County had committed suicide just days before, and the caption in his most recent post absolutely broke my heart. Hearing this story of someone so close in age to me, who had yet to really see this world, emphasizes the importance of checking in on our loved ones, and making sure they mean it when they say “I’m fine.”
On a more personal note, I have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with loss this past year. Prior to this time, I had not really dealt with grief on a personal level, and I drastically underestimated how much it would affect me. Losing both my paternal grandparents in the span of months, especially when they played a significant role in raising me during my formative years, enveloped me in a sadness that I had not ever felt.
The months leading up to this time, I saw both my grandparents, who were once as healthy and active as could be, aging years between visits that were only days apart. I thought this would mentally prepare me for the inevitable. It did not.
I remember the first time I went to visit my grandpa, after my grandma passed away. I looked through the glass beside the front door, expecting to see her curled up on her favourite spot on the couch, waiting to scold me for not wearing enough layers or for it being too long since I visited. Instead, I saw her picture framed in the wall above the couch, and an empty spot on the couch, which only felt smaller than the void in my heart.
Visiting the house after my grandpa passed away was different. I was met with an eerily quiet house, and the silence feeling like it weighed me down. Even now, months later, it is difficult for me to process what has happened.
I reached out to friends, as my own family was grieving as well, and I wanted to make sure my family did not feel overwhelmed. Unsurprisingly, I was met with overwhelming support and optimism, that reminded me that there are people out there that have your back, even at your lowest.
Juggling this with the pressure of university was another thing. In the midst of the second midterm season and finals season, professors were as accommodating as they could be. Having to push myself to continue studying was only possible by the thought that my grandparents had sacrificed everything to ensure our family had a bright future, and they would be very proud of me when I (hopefully) get my degree.
What can you do?
Take my advice with a grain of salt, as I am still on my own journey. This is said everywhere, and sometimes I even get sick of seeing it everywhere, but reach out. Those who care about you and love you will be by your side through everything and will never judge you.
If someone reacts negatively to you when you reach out, they never were a good friend, or even family member. Being blood-related does not make you family, showing love and support is what does. Removing people from your life can be difficult, but I promise you, your future self will thank you.
Know your body. Yes, exercise, sleep and eat well, but if there comes a day when you do not want to do anything, do not do anything. Nap all day, eat some junk food, go on that late night ice cream run with your friends, we only live once.
If you ever feel stuck, lonely or just want someone to talk to, feel free to contact me as well, sauravsarpal25@gmail.com, and I will listen to everything you have to say and more.
The world can seem like a daunting and intimidating place sometimes. I would say there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it is just hidden around a corner. I promise you one thing, the world is a better place with you in it. Keep doing your thing, wake up in the morning, and live everyday how you want to.
The Fight Outside the Rink Dealing with mental health and grief
